Wikileaks founder Julian Assange shockingly accused outgoing U.S. President Barack Hussein Obama of falsely accusing the Russians of hacking the emails that helped Donald Trump defeat the Mesopotamian demon currently inhabiting the husk of Hillary Clinton in last year’s presidential election.

Assange went on to say that Obama is pressing these false charges “to delegitimize the Trump administration as it goes into the White House.”

It’s time to wake up sheeple and realize that Assange is a liar, and not only did the Russians hack Podesta’s emails and interfere in various other parts of the democratic election process, but they’ve been up to a ton of other nefarious shit, and I for one am not willing to give them a free pass.

For example, even though my homeowner’s association claims it has “irrefutable proof” I’m the one who stacked all the reindeer in my yard so it looked they were humping, that was 100% not me, and I’m not paying their bullshit fine. It was the Russians.

One night in the middle of December the Russians also inexplicably wrote “No Midgets Allowed” in flashing Christmas lights on my porch and anyone who knows me knows I would never do such a thing.

I find female midgets incredibly erotic and if anything would want to inform them that not only are they allowed, they are actively encouraged to stop in. Clearly, the Russians were just messing with me and trying to cause yet another fight between me, the HOA, my neighbors and my wife.

These crafty Bolsheviks are like gremlins, and if the movie Gremlins has taught me anything, it’s that they should never be fed after midnight or bathed. Not really sure how that helps me here, though.

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