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moron Look kid, I understand you want to shed your image as a Disney pop princess, and now that you’re free of that life, you act like someone who escaped from a religious cult.

Sure it all seems contrived, and even when you try to be edgy, you come off as a bad actor following an even worse script, but that doesn’t really bother me.

I don’t care that you have the ass of an eight-year-old boy but still insist on twerking at every opportunity, and it doesn’t even rile me that your music is so awful they use it to torture inmates at Gitmo.

The thing that irks me the most is your absolute inability to keep your goddamned tongue in your mouth.

It’s not like you do it every once in a while. You do it in every single picture, and unless you’re half Irish setter, there is absolutely no reason for it. And spare me your little sob story that you’re uncomfortable when people take your picture, and it’s easier for you to stick out your tongue than plastering on a fake smile.

Here’s another suggestion. Just stand there with a blank fucking stare. Pick a spot on the horizon and fix your gaze on it and don’t look away.

My neighbor did three tours in Vietnam, and he has this look all the time. It really gives him an aura of mystery, and I often wonder what’s going on behind those eyes of his.

Is he dreaming about the girl that got away? Maybe wondering how his life would have been different if he didn’t go to Nam when he was 18? Would he have gone to college or started a business? Or, is he just fantasizing about ways to sneak into my house to murder me in my sleep?

Truly an enigma that guy.

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