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Much like stonewashed jeans, big hair and Ocean Pacific t-shirts, Madonna’s better days are behind her. She’s now a 53-year-old piece of gristle who refuses to either die with the grace of Michael Jackson or live a life of quiet dignity like George Michael.

Similar to the chupacabra she now resembles, Madonna is rarely in the limelight but you can bet she’s lurking in the shadows. She emerges only to feed on the blood and souls of new artists in a vain attempt to stay relevant. She brought in M.I.A. for her Super Bowl halftime show, and the collaborators on her new album, “MDNA,” are a who’s who of hot young producers, dj’s and stars.

I will confess a certain bias here. I absolutely, positively hate Madonna, and I always have. I still remember when she dominated 80s radio and MTV, and I couldn’t escape her god-awful music. To this day if I hear Borderline or Lucky Star I go into a rage only gin and a handful of phenobarbital can cure.

It was with some pleasure that I just saw that MDNA is about to set the record for the biggest second-week drop in chart history. It seems this manipulative bitch rigged the chart by giving her terrible album away during its first week of release to anyone who bought a ticket to her tour. After that artificial one-week bump, sales plummeted to where they belong.

I have to imagine the old MILFs who bought tour tickets don’t even want to hear Madonna’s new album anyway. They just want to jam out to the tunes of their youth. They want to remember a simpler time before they had to shop for clothes at Fashion Bug Plus or were relegated to looking for love on www.herpes-date.com. I feel like they should be able to do that without being unwitting pawns in some old crone’s manipulative schemes.

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