While drifting in and out of senility last week, John McCain found a book on the military struggles between Russia and the Ottoman Empire. Suddenly seized by the fear that Russia would conquer Constantinople and have unfettered naval access to aid Syria, he quickly pledged American military assistance to help the Ottomans in their fight against the Czar.
Bewildered Turkish government officials even confirmed that Mr. McCain flew unannounced to the Turkish capital and demanded to see the Sultan so they could coordinate policy.
“He just kept ranting and raving about how we had to form a coalition with the Austro-Hungarians and Prussians,” one source said. “We tried to tell him those countries no longer existed, but that just made him madder.”
Luckily, this has happened frequently enough that Mr. McCain is now implanted with a GPS tracking chip, and U.S. facilities across the globe have procedures in place to deal with the Senator’s increasingly erratic behavior.
As soon as it was determined he was in Turkey, a team was dispatched from our embassy in Ankara to sedate him and ship him home.
After once again awaking groggy and confused in his bed, McCain decided to shift gears to domestic policy issues, and he held an impromptu conference with his teddy bears and the bedside lamp to determine the nation’s economic future.