In a stunning development, the world’s richest man, Jeff Bezos, has vowed to give his entire $150 billion fortune to African-Americans to, in his words, “give a little back when so much was taken from them.”  The pay-out will equal roughly $3,500 for every African-American man, woman and child in the U.S.

Just kidding.  Jeff Bezos is a selfish prick who would rather throw around empty platitudes while literally working his employees to death on one of his warehouse floors.  Like he said, he wants them to wake up every morning terrified. 

Rich frauds like Seth Rogan (estimated net worth, $50 million) love to hide in their gated mansions and take brave moral stands.  Even richer frauds like Nancy Pelosi (estimated net worth of $160 million) will even pander super hard in African garb while pretending to do something while actually doing nothing.

That’s why I came up with “The Taking Pledge.”  If elected president, I will force the rich to do that thing they really, really want to do, but gosh darn it, just can’t seem to find a way to follow through on.

I pledge reparations for African-Americans, and it will be funded solely by people with over $10 million in assets.  The first $10 to $15 million will get taxed at 75%, $15 to $20 million at 80%, $20 to $25 million at 90%, and everything over that goes straight into Uncle Sam’s pocket.

I can’t imagine these assholes will have any problem with my completely reasonable plan.  Heck, I think I can even hear the sweet swishy sounds of their fancy hats and Louis Vuitton handbags as they line up to get onboard.