theylive For years, “conspiracy theorist” David Icke has tried to tell the world the truth about the shape-shifting reptilian elite who have infiltrated our media outlets and government in a bid to rule mankind.

Like most Americans I’ve mocked Mr. Icke and even once threw a beer bottle at a guy who looked vaguely like him when I was drunk and hucking beer bottles at people who vaguely looked like other people.

But I’ve sobered up dear America, metaphorically, and it’s time we root out these alien bastards and send them back to the moon, or underground, or wherever the hell they’re from.

Any last shred of doubt I had about these slithering assassins was dispelled by the way the government and media have handled the terrorist attack in Orlando.

Rather than condemning the medieval creed that perpetuates the subjugation of women, murder of gays and the vilification of sweet, sweet pork, the government has engaged in a cover-up to protect the very people who want to murder you for not following their ridiculous religion.

And while Christianity is stupid, subtle discrimination and sanctimonious speeches aren’t quite the same as sneaking into a nightclub and murdering 50 people because your make-believe religion commands it.

Europe has been flooded with a fifth column of Muslim terrorists and zealots to prevent that once noble continent from effectively resisting their serpentine designs, and their reptilian allies in the U.S. want to disarm the population so they can make their move.

Luckily, I know how to identify these lizard pricks, and it all goes back to their snake cousins.

All reptiles hate warm, mammalian breath, and if you suspect you’re in the presence of a snake-person, get face-to-face with them, so close your nose is almost touching theirs, and give them a long, hot, wet exhale right on the lips.

If they freak out, they’re a reptile, and you need to take them out.