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Last week, six Italian scientists and a public official were found guilty of manslaughter for providing inadequate warning of a 2009 earthquake that devastated the town of L’Aquila. Hundreds of Italians were killed during the quake, and thousands more were left homeless.

In addition to facing jail time, the so-called men of science have also been ordered to pay $12 million in damages to the survivors.

Predictably, bleeding heart liberals have claimed this verdict will have a chilling effect on scientific inquiry, but I for one think they got exactly what they deserved. I’d go a step further and ask, where’s your science now, college boys? If you followed the Bible in the first place, none of this would have happened.

I’ve read nearly half of the Bible, and it’s a travesty that modern science refuses to use it to guide their inquiries. Specifically, why are they not investigating the properties of magic?

It’s clear that Jesus was chock full of that shit, and he used that hoodoo to do everything from make bread to raise the dead. Seems like a pretty useful tool, right? Instead of wasting decades studying the genetic profile of a peanut to increase yields we could just use magic to conjure one up as big as a house.

The beauty of magic is it works everywhere. Is someone sick? Use magic to heal them. Are you hungry? Use magic to make fishes and loaves. Tired of having a little dick? Well, you don’t have to deal with those shysters at the Hercules Penis Pump Company anymore because now, you can use that magic wand to put some magic in your own wand.

How about you scientists start working on that? Otherwise, next time those Italians might break out the rack and get all medieval on your asses.