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beautiful Contrary to the tired mantra of tree-huggers everywhere, a study just released by Durham University seems to indicate that using hydraulic fracturing to extract petroleum and natural gas from shale rock doesn’t cause earthquakes – at least not ones that can be detected by anyone other than geoscientists.

Now that this myth has been laid to rest, it’s only a matter of time before a new one is created. The problem is a significant portion of the population is convinced fossil fuels are bad, but they can’t seem to accept that just like the rest of us, they’re totally dependent on the goddamned things.

That’s why I propose a new solution – Codajoy Carbon Credits. And these aren’t the retarded certificates that allow companies to pollute while soothing the consciences of their leftwing shareholders and detractors.

For a nominal fee, I will issue every little liberal a finite number of certificates, and that will cause them to have to make tough decisions.

Do you want that Starbucks Strawberry Frappuccino in that giant plastic cup, or do you want to run the air-conditioning for an hour so you don’t melt because you insist on wearing that stupid wool hat even in the middle of summer?