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I’m a fan of Sylvester Stallone, and I was sorry to hear his son Sage just OD’d. I’m also a little surprised to learn that Westboro Baptist Church, the same group that often pickets dead soldiers’ funerals and runs the website www.godhatesfags.com, is planning to protest at his funeral.

The “church” is pretty much just comprised of the Phelps family, and Marge Phelps, the daughter of the family patriarch, Fred Phelps, justified picketing because Sylvester Stallone was a “thrice married rebel [who] taught his son to mock God.”

I never really investigated it, but I always assumed Westboro Baptist was a scam. Everything seemed a little too over the top to be legit. The fact that Fred Phelps is a lawyer, as are eleven of his thirteen children, also lent credence to it. I figured they wrapped themselves in the mantle of religious conservatism and picketed emotional events hoping someone would assault them. If that happened they sued.

It seemed like a full-proof scheme, and I admired their balls for running it. There’s only one problem. I can’t find any evidence confirming that. These guys spend an estimated $200,000 a year protesting, and I’m starting to suspect they do it because they actually believe their message. Homosexuality is destroying America, and they’re the only ones who can stop it.

Next time they protest in my area, I might have to infiltrate the group to find out the deal. My raw manliness will no doubt convince them I’m not a gay spy, and we’ll be able to quickly reach the truth.