My birthplace, Richmond, Va, is a shithole, and only two things can fix it. Either God (or Godzilla) will strike this blighted place and wipe it from the map, or the citizens of this once great capital can elect me as their beloved leader so I can solve their problems.
So far 18 other people have declared for the race, and I’m up against some pretty stiff competition.
Former Richmond City Councilwoman L. Shirley Harvey has thrown her straight-jacket into the ring, and while she is best remembered for speaking in tongues and trying to banish evil spirits, she says she isn’t crazy and is just the type of leader Richmond needs.
The rest of the field runs the gamut from retirees to hippies, socialists and even a former heroin dealer. There’s also a guy named BJ Junes who shockingly isn’t a former porn star. He’s just a dude who willingly chose to go by the nickname for a blowjob.
I alone among these mental patients can make Richmond great again, and my plan is simple. We should secede from the union and become a rogue state.
Now I’m not advocating we put all of our resources into some half-assed nuclear program like the North Koreans while the population starves. And I’m certainly not advocating a repressive Iranian-style Muslim theocracy where getting stoned is a real possibility.
In my new Richmond the only way you’ll get stoned is if you’re at least 21, pay for your drugs in one of our legal hash and opium shops and don’t cough when you inhale like a giant pussy.
I propose making Richmond a libertarian paradise where people will come from all over the country to eat, drink and be merry, and so long as no one gets hurt, there’s no harm and no foul.
We’ll just tax the living shit out of your debauchery and give that money to all of the useless residents so we can realize the new American dream – getting paid without doing shit.
Vote Whig! Vote Codajoy!