Alcohol is one of the few things that makes life worth living, and since the kids were with the grandparents this weekend, my wife and I stopped off at a bar after church. She wasn’t all that keen on drinking at 10:00 am on a Sunday morning, but that was my price. If she wanted me to sit through an hour-long sermon, she had to sit through an hour of me drinking Guinness and explaining how I would have done things differently if I had been Jesus.

For one, if I had the power to raise the dead, you could be damn sure I would have done it more than once. I would have raised a zombie army and showed those Romans and Pharisees who was really in charge. And what was with that whole dying nobly on the cross nonsense?

I would have called down the thunder, and I mean that literally. I would have used my powers to throw lightning bolts like I was Zeus and melted everyone’s faces like at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Jesus’ biggest flaw, as I see it, was his selflessness. If you want real power, you need real money. Did he charge for his miracles? Not that I’ve seen. Him and bunch of hippies just walked around giving free public speeches and healing people for nothing. That’s no way to get ahead.

Jesus clearly had the power to make food, and according to the Bible he transformed five loaves and two fish into enough food to feed thousands. There’s his business plan right there. He should have formed “Hold Land Food Distributors” and used his magic to make food and sell it. Since his raw materials were free, most of what he earned would have been pure profit.

What a waste.