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I have a soft spot for assault rifles, and since our founding fathers had the foresight to grant me the freedom to own weapons capable of killing everyone in a three-block radius, I like to exercise that right. My local Gander Mountain has excellent prices on guns, but I prefer to buy my weapons from real people. I especially like them if they’re crazy and selling them out of a basement, storage locker or windowless van.

I’ve never bought any guns here, www.classicfirearms.com, but this normally the type of place I like to patronize. Please note how the site opens with a new Bible verse every day, and how the top of the page is dominated by cartoons of Roman soldiers holding AK-47s and a Jesus fish. That’s exactly the type of lunacy I love.

There used to be a sweet gun store in my town that has since gone out of business, and part of that may have been because the owner was bat-shit insane. He was obsessed with hiding guns throughout his house, and he even made a special waterproof flap in his shower curtain where he kept a pistol so no one could sneak up on him at bath time.

All of this pales in comparison to the job I did a few weeks ago for a guy who had the nicest private arsenal I’ve ever seen and was building a combination gun safe and fallout shelter in his basement. He needed me to supply some guys to help maneuver a blast door that weighed over a ton into place, and the goddamn hinges themselves weighed 50 pounds each. I wanted to take a picture of it when we were done, but he said if I did, he’d kill me. I’m still not sure if he was joking.