fight5 The American legal system is ridiculous. You can sue anybody you want, for practically any reason, and they have to pay money to get a shyster lawyer to defend themselves.

Even your humble narrator was once sued by a neighbor who claimed, among other things, that my dog and I were shitting in his yard, and this act of alleged hilarity caused him “emotional distress.” Luckily, the suit was eventually dropped, but plenty of other people don’t have the ability to go out and get unsecured loans to drag out cases indefinitely because they absolutely refuse to stop shitting in their neighbor’s yard.

And since I’m not sure of the statute of limitations here, I probably did not shit in his yard. Not sure about the dog, though.

Instead of being driven into bankruptcy, I feel like people who are sued should be able to demand trial by combat. And the person doing the suing should have to put up or shut up, and she or he can’t just use their money to hire some bad-assed gladiator to do their fighting.

They either have to get their ass into the ring or drop their case. It’s that simple.

I think the U.S. could also learn a thing or two from Singapore and starting using caning for offenses instead of just locking people up indefinitely.

In that country you can be beaten with a cane for about 35 offenses, and one of the ways they cut down on illegal immigrant workers is to whip them if they overstay their work visas by more than 90 days.

And not to get too in-depth here, but they really have caning down to a science. Specially-trained whippers of “robust build” work to transfer the weight of their entire body into the swing, and particularly good ones swing the cane at just over 100 miles per hour.

God I hope President Trump implements this. I’m fairly certain the Irish guy down the street from me is here illegally, and maybe it’s my English blood, but I’ve always wanted to whip an Irishman.