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I live on a steady diet of beer and fast food so as I get older and my metabolism slows, I expand at a slow but steady rate. I used to work out, but after I got married and had kids, I refuse to do anything to prolong my life. No matter how much my family complains and annoys me, there’s a real solace in the knowledge that at some point, the sweet embrace of death will make all the pain go away.

As I wait patiently for the inevitable heart attack or stroke, I have to buy new pants and shirts every year because I’ve outgrown the old ones. It’s kind of like how a snake sheds its skin. I get rid my old, uncomfortable husk for a new one that actually allows me to take a deep breath without the sound of fabric tearing.

I embarked on this annual ritual yesterday, and I bought five new pairs of identical Haggar slacks. Since reading is for nerds, I didn’t pay any attention to the labels, and it was only after I got home and looked a little more closely that I noticed I had bought pants made with REPREVE recycled fiber.

The manufacturer proudly claimed that 25% of the pants were made up of post-consumer content material, but isn’t that really just a fancy name for trash? It appears I spent $40 a pair for the privilege of wearing something that at one point was at the bottom of a dumpster. They also appear to be flammable. Truly a win-win.