muppet judges Life doesn’t come with an instruction manual and experience is often the only teacher you’ve got.  That’s why I want to spare you the embarrassment of a john sting and cover the do’s and don’ts of soliciting a hooker.

If you’re a newbie you should avoid the street and focus exclusively on online sites. Even though www.craigslist.org got rid of the ho’s, www.backpage.com and others are still amply stocked, but you’ve got to know the lingo.

A lot of ads will say something like 200 roses per hour, and this causes a lot of confusion, but it couldn’t be clearer.

All women love romance, and filthy, disease-ridden prostitutes are no different. You should buy the most expensive flowers you can afford and show up to their hotel room with the bouquet. Note: chocolates are optional.

If the cold, sterile world of online searches isn’t for you and you just need the thrill of road shopping, always remember to be careful and expect the unexpected.

For example, that hot redhead who hangs out in front of the Colonial Motel in Fredericksburg, Va has a dick. Trust me on this.

And if you’re not Eddie Murphy “accidentally” picking up tranny ass, don’t even try to throw him/her out of the car. Years of hand-jobs have endowed Big Red with amazing grip strength, and unless you really want to pay $200 to replace the passenger door handle she’ll invariably rip off as you boot her out the door, just give her 50 bucks to go away.