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22 Last week NBC’s Today Show revealed that home invasions happen at the rate of 135 a day, and they ran a segment with a former detective on how to protect yourself during one.

Unfortunately, it was textbook leftist nonsense, and among other things they recommended keeping a can of wasp spray by your bedside and using your car alarm to scare off an intruder.

Oddly enough, I accidentally sprayed my uncle in the eyes with wasp spray about five years ago when we found a nest while replacing his roof, and it didn’t incapacitate him so much as send him into a murderous rage, and I’m guessing the same thing would happen with an intruder.

And as for using your car alarm, that’s just crazy. I can’t find my keys on a normal morning, so there’s little chance they’re going to be at my fingertips in an emergency.

I’m almost surprised NBC didn’t get all Wile E. Coyote and recommend suspending an anvil over your door or leaving a pile of bird seed on the latch of a giant mouse trap.

Personally, I’m a firm believer in cold, hard steel, and in addition to the nineteen guns I have in my bedroom closet, that old, antique rifle above the fireplace actually works. But if you’re a giant pussy and hate guns like the pinkos who run the Today Show, there are still more effective deterrents than bug spray and key chains.

One idea is to hang an AIDS quilt by your door and write above it in big block letters, “I May Have HIV, But It Doesn’t Have Me.” That way, you’re probably still getting robbed, but at least you’re not getting raped.

You should also hide cameras in all your bathrooms and scatter dozens of different sodas and beers around your house. Eventually, your robber will drink them and have to pee, and then you’ll have them on tape.

And you’ll also have video of all the other people who use your bathroom, so that’s a double-bonus.

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