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Most new economic data seems to bring more doom and gloom, but the news isn’t all bad. Even though high paying manufacturing jobs are declining, and likely to be gone forever, some sectors of the economy are experiencing record growth. According to noted economist Dr. Mike Codajoy, these are the hot jobs of the future.

Crack Whore – The richest one percent will soon control over half the country’s wealth, and some of that money is bound to trickle down to the little guy. If you’re a woman between the ages of 18 and 35, grab a mini-skirt, a pair of fuck-me pumps and get out there on a street corner to get your piece of the pie.

Assistant to the Crack Whore – This is more of an unpaid intern position, but you will be able to learn the business from the ground up. When you turn 18, you’ll have the skills necessary to succeed in America’s 21st century economy.

Smurfer – Now that the government has limited the sale of Sudafed tablets, meth cooks can no longer buy the amounts necessary to make their product. That’s where Smurfers come in. They buy the cold medicine in small amounts and take it back to Papa Smurf. They are normally paid in meth and not money, but since you’ll be a junky, that’ll be fine with you.

FBI Informer – That silly old Constitution is just an old piece of paper on the wall, and our government knows it. As the Feds continue to build the security apparatus they need to keep us safe from <insert threat here> , we’re going to need men and women willing to inform on others to keep our great nation secure. And remember kids, if you report your parents, you can get new ones.