This is 2013, and you’re a busy ‘mo on the go. You know you should practice safe sex, but who has the time? If you go fumbling for a condom, you could easily miss out on that quickie behind the Pier 1 dumpster.

Thanks to Neylon Industries’ new Butt Glove™ you no longer have to worry.

This innovative product looks like a normal pair of underwear, but the secret is in the design. Wedged between your butt cheeks is a space-aged, super-elastic polymer that acts like a condom. And since it’s built with military grade materials, you can just hose it off when you’re done.

And once you buy your new Butt Glove™, what are you going to do if your gaydar is on the fritz? Are you tired of making uncomfortably long eye contact with guys who always end up being straight? Lucky for you, Neylon Industries has you covered there, too.

Our new Queer Gear™ electronic friend finder is guaranteed to spot any gays in a 50-foot radius. Its advanced scanner searches any model iPad or smart phone for tell-tale electronic signatures of gayness.

Does his song list include techno, Lady Gaga or Panic! at the Disco? Is there a DVR setting for Buffy? Is the Craigslist “Casual Encounters” section saved in his favorites? If so, your new Queer Gear™ will issue a high pitched squeal that only gays and certain breeds of dogs can hear.

Still not finding what you’re looking for? Be sure to check back this spring when we unveil our new food line, tentatively called Pillow Biters™. No self-respecting brunch will be complete without them.