oinkWhen I was growing up in rural Virginia in the 80s, corporal punishment was still a pretty big part of the curriculum. My second grade teacher, Ms. Tisdale, was a goddamned psychotic, and she even had her own little paddle, which was actually a wooden cutting board with the words “Mr. Feel-Good” etched into it.

One day she hit me so hard it shattered into three pieces, and she actually started sobbing. To this day, it is one of my happiest memories. That and the time I blew a booger into her coffee.

Virginia has since banned spanking in schools, but 19 states still allow it, and much like executions and sister-banging, the Deep South leads the pack with Mississippi, Texas, Georgia, Arkansas and Alabama accounting for over seventy percent of school spankings.

As a parent of three awful children, I’m tempted to beat them every single day. Unfortunately, I hate the idea of doing the dirty work myself, so I use my two-year-old to hit the other two.

And since they know they’ll be in big trouble if they hit her back, they just have to sit there while getting their little asses kicked by a toddler.

My shitty parenting aside, I’m actually shocked that almost 40% of our states allow such archaic punishment instead of getting with the 21st century and using pharmaceuticals to turn the kids into little zombies.

I feel like schools should be run less like prisons and more like mental institutions, and as soon as kids arrive they should be given a little paper cup full of pills and a sip from the water fountain.

These chemical restraints will also better prepare them to sit through the mind-numbing curriculum since our schools no longer teach to the best and brightest, but instead dumb everything down for the stupidest fucking kids in the class.