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US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton‘s fact-finding mission to the Arctic to evaluate the effects of climate change took a disastrous turn Saturday when she was reportedly abducted by notorious Eskimo warlord, Tuk-yak-tuk-tuk, better known as “The Tusk.”

Mrs. Clinton was reportedly traveling with light security aboard a Norwegian research vessel when the notorious Eskimo bandit struck. In a lightning-fast operation the winter warriors stormed the vessel and made off with Mrs. Clinton, but surprisingly, no one else.

International terrorism expert, Mike Levanthall, has commented that virtually nothing about this raid makes sense. “It doesn’t really fit The Tusk’s standard way of doing business. He normally takes every Western target he can grab since European governments readily pay to have their people released. It’s odd that he left so many potential European hostages.”

At least one highly-placed source, who prefers to remain anonymous, has a theory about what really happened.

“We all know Bill Clinton is rumored to have an insatiable love of Eskimo women, and he’s probably hit every whorehouse from Alaska to Greenland. These brothels are all controlled by The Tusk, so you have to wonder if Clinton and the crime lord came to a little agreement to make Mrs. Clinton disappear, once and for all.”

U.S. Naval forces have been scouring the area where Mrs. Clinton was last seen, and Special Forces have conducted raids on a number of suspected enemy igloos. So far, there’s been no sign of Mrs. Clinton, and no demands from her abductors.

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