The good folks at Cremation Solutions have finally found a way to make death even more terrifying. For a mere $2,600 they will create a life-sized 3-D model of your deceased loved-one’s head to act as an urn to hold their cremated ashes.
According to their website, the heads are mounted on fine Verde marble bases, and since the ash hole is permanently plugged after the ashes are added, there’s no danger of the cat knocking over the head and spilling ashes all over the room.
And as much as spilled urns are a lazy sitcom and movie trope, my neighbor swears it happened to her aunt’s urn, and after they vacuumed up the ashes, the vacuum cleaner would mysteriously turn itself on.
Personally, I think that’s just a sign of good character that the old bag was still trying to do housework even in the after-life, but they got all freaked out and literally gave the vacuum a little funeral ceremony and buried it with dignity and respect.
I’m not sure if that’s going to appease her soul after they burned her earthly remains in a giant goddamned oven and then dumped her all over the living room floor, but who knows.
Much like the Chinese prostitutes I used to frequent, I prefer to maintain a discrete ancestor shrine in my home. That way, when I need guidance or want to direct supernatural acts of revenge against my many enemies, I can pray to them for help.
And as a handy note, spirits just want to be at peace, so if you dig them up and take a few bones, they’ll do almost anything to be whole again. Use that information wisely. Or abuse it, I really don’t care.