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I’m starting to realize that we should amend the Constitution and require people to have kids before allowing them to vote. It doesn’t matter if you are gay or straight, or if the kids are biological or adopted. Having them totally changes your perspective.

For one, I never realized how stupid young people were until I had kids. I was sure I had all the answers growing up, but I’m now convinced 50% of the people under 25 are functionally retarded, and it’s actually a huge relief not listening to any of them.

When I open Facebook and see that some dipshit read a 250-word article they found on Google and is now an expert in that particular field, I no longer get mad. I might mess with them, but I don’t try to reason with them. Only the dull march of time can do that, and nothing ages you faster than children.

Having kids also reminds you of the value of selfishness. Children are expensive as shit, and by the time I buy all their stuff, I don’t really feel like paying more taxes so some deadbeat can mooch off me.

I already have two lazy little parasites sucking me dry, and I don’t need any more.

Kids also highlight in stark detail the barrenness of our youth-oriented culture. A country is like a child, and if they’re not taught to value hard work, sacrifice and achievement, they’ll both be forever trapped in a state of perpetual adolescence.

Kind of like the one we’re in right now.