Like all Americans, I love a good holiday. A time to sit back with the family, grill a few burgers, drink a dozen beers and pretend to pay lip-service to whatever stupid person or concept I’m supposed to be celebrating.
But for the first time in my adult life, I’m truly excited for a day of celebration – National Kick Martin Shkreli In The Nuts Day.
I’m no pinko commie, and like all sane men, I celebrate and respect the free market, but Martin Shkreili has gone too far. In case you don’t know him, this jerk-off made a ton of cash as a hedge fund manager and then bought Turing Pharmaceuticals.
Last month Turing bought Daraprim, a drug used to combat toxoplasmosis in unborn babies and immuno-suppressed individuals like cancer and AIDS patients. And since life hasn’t already fucked these people over enough, Martin Shkreli decided to hike the price of the pills from $13.50 to $750 each. Not bad for a tablet that only takes about a dollar to produce.
Douchebag has since dropped the price due to public outcry, but that won’t save his nuts from the sweet feet of justice. Thanks to what I assume will be an upcoming Executive Order, the first 15 Americans who can get to him will be allowed to kick Martin Shkreli in the nuts without criminal or civil penalty.
Price gouging should be reserved for things people want, not need. You want to quadruple the price of a handbag because it has a stupid Gucci label? Go nuts. Same thing for every other piece of designer clothing that mindless drones need for their mating displays and shows of dominance.
But medicine is already so grossly overpriced, I have to get my drugs from that Mexican market near my house, and maybe it’s the language barrier, but I’m never sure what I’m going to get. Last time I tried to buy antibiotics, I’m 90% sure I got speed, but oddly enough I did feel pretty awesome after taking it and slept like a log when it wore off.