butt Dr. Giorgi Chaladze, of Ilia State University in Tbilisi, Georgia was puzzled. How does homosexuality maintain itself in the gene pool when by its very nature it should be eliminated by natural selection?

Dr. Chaladze used a computational model to look at the presence of homosexuality throughout history and came to the shocking conclusion that it is maintained in populations because nearly half of all men and women carry genes that predispose men to pillow biting.

I feel like I’m 100% straight, but my first cousin is probably gay and my father-in-law’s brother has definitely swallowed a pickle or two, so I now realize I have to be on my guard because anything could be a trigger.

I could just be surfing through channels, land on Modern Family and bam. Those dormant gay genes will activate and next thing I know I’m hitchhiking to Fire Island and stuffing things up my butt.

And what about my effeminate son? How can I force him to repress any latent gay tendencies and find a wife like every other miserable Codajoy before him?

For starters, I’m going to have to cancel cable because the liberal media won’t be happy until it has turned all of us queer. Our tv will only be used for video games, and we’ll only play sports games and battle simulations that are disturbingly violent.

I may end up raising a goddamned psychopath, but at least he won’t be dressing up in mommy’s clothes before killing his victims.

I think we’ll also start taking some karate classes because nothing suppresses unnatural urges like walking around in a robe and kicking strangers in the nuts. Which oddly enough is how my dad spent most of his weekends.

Lastly, no more unattractive fatties as baby-sitters. I’ll try to find a girl from the local college with an affinity for tank tops and an ass so tight you can bounce a quarter off it. And while this runs the risk of turning my daughters into little lesbos, that’s my wife’s job to fix, not mine.