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It was just announced that celebrity chef and possible manic psychotic, Gordon Ramsay, may have a sex tape. According to his alleged former mistress, Sarah Symonds, she was contacted by the police and told that as part of their investigation into hacking allegations against News of the World, they found “tapes and transcripts of our personal meetings . . . and intimate phone conversations and voice mails.”

Ms. Symonds also said she and Gordon made a sex tape, but she doesn’t know if that’s in police hands or not.

As a man who loves all types of porn, and who even considers a trip to the zoo erotic, I’m not sure how I feel about this. As a general rule, two middle-aged Brits banging isn’t typically exciting, but if Gordon Ramsay does it in character, it could be a masterpiece.

In order for it to work, he would have to be screaming and barking orders the whole time they’re going at it. I would also prefer him to wear a little chef’s hat, but that will probably have to wait for the inevitable porn spoof. I guess what I want most is some sexy Gordon Ramsay-style pillow talk. I’d like him to gently caress her hair, look lovingly into her eyes and tell her, “Great job.  Now fuck off.”

You just can’t learn smoothness like that. You either have it or you don’t.