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If you want the best, you can’t just go to the corner market.  For example, if you want the best party liquor, you’re going to have to find some hillbillies.  If you want the best grilled radicchio salad, you better strap on those ass-less chaps because you’re heading to gay-town.  And, if you want the best ribs, you’re going to the ghetto.

Normally, if I want good ribs I head down to Petersburg,VA.  The entire city is a dangerous shit-hole, and large sections of it appear abandoned, but it’s in Virginia, so my concealed carry permit is valid.  I’m careful to go during the day and have a minimum of three guns hidden on my person.

I’ve recently heard about an even better rib place in an even worse ghetto, Southeast D.C.  I want to go, but I’m torn.  D.C. does not honor my Virginia permit, so I’d have to go unarmed.

I haven’t been to Southeast D.C.since the 90s, and they could have turned that place around since then, but I doubt it.  When I was last there I bought fried chicken from a guy who was not only behind bullet-proof glass, but he took my money and gave me my chicken through a little turnstile.  If I had been sober, this may have bothered me.

If I want to go to Southeast, I figure I have three options.

Option 1, I go as “the apologist.”  I buy myself an Obama t-shirt, put on some Birkenstocks and proudly march in there.  Chance of robbery/murder: 95%.

Option 2, I go in a medium-quality suit.  I’ll look like an authority figure, but not one with enough money to rob.  Chance of robbery/murder: 9%.

Option 3, I go in blackface.  This is the ultimate risk/reward move.  I can’t just go to PartyCity and get some face paint and a cheap wig.  I need to do this right.  I have to find someone who has done stage make-up and can pull this off.  Chance of robbery/murder: unknown.