I finally got tired of my pussy low-flow toilet, and I literally decided to shit or get off the pot. I bought an old toilet from a company that specializes in salvaging the contents of old buildings, and before my wife could object, I installed it in our bathroom.

The thing weighed a ton, but the tank actually holds a little over five gallons of water. That’s three-and-a-half gallons more than that mincing little eco-toilet that it replaced, and when you flush it, it almost seems to let out an animal growl.

I understand this is just a bathroom fixture made of fired ceramic, and it’s older than I am, but every time I see it I just well up with a sense of pride. I feel like I’m in a museum, and I’m looking at an important piece of history.

I flushed a small empire apple today, and the toilet took it like a champ. That was on top of me flushing a mini shampoo bottle and a bar of soap. This is a man’s toilet, and even though I expect a noticeable spike on my water bill next month, I could care less. My kids’ college funds may take a hit, but when they get old enough, I’m sure they’ll understand.