When my kids were little, I used to keep all of the dangerous cleaning chemicals out of reach on a tall shelf. And when they got old enough to stop eating random shit off the floor like a dog, I moved everything back under the kitchen sink.

Now it seems that teens and young adults alike are consuming Tide Pods as part of some stupid Internet challenge, and Proctor & Gamble, the company that makes them, was shamed into releasing public service announcements telling people not to eat the goddamn things.

Wrong!

I’m a firm believer in the evolutionary process, and if you’re an adult who has to be brow-beaten into not eating a caustic chemical packet that causes burns to your mouth, esophagus and stomach, no amount of PSAs and public interest handholding is going to help you.

You’re a moron and your genes should not pass into the next generation.

Instead of adding a foul-tasting substance to these pods to make people spit them out after putting them in their mouth, they should add something in them that just renders people sterile after ingesting them, like the manufacturers do with tofu.

Share