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One of my neighbors is a moron, but she has a huge heart and inexplicably wants to help everyone she meets. When her former junkie mom wanted to have a kid with her new husband but failed because decades of drug abuse had made her sterile, my neighbor happily stepped in. She was artificially inseminated with her step-dad’s sperm and nine months later gave birth to her own baby brother.

The stupidity doesn’t stop there. She has two kids of her own, but she decided what she really needed to make her life complete was a little meth baby. She signed up to be a foster parent and voila, within a few weeks she had a shrieking little abomination who had been abandoned by its stripper mom.

The kid literally screamed 23 hours a day as it was going through withdrawals, and to this day I don’t understand how her husband didn’t just buy the kid some smack to shut him up. Mercifully the kid’s grandmother adopted him and took him back to West Virginia where he belongs.

Seeing as my neighbor hadn’t done anything retarded for months, she stepped up her game a few weeks ago and took in an African exchange student. The kid is from some godforsaken shithole in West Africa, speaks virtually no English and seems baffled by modern technology.

On her second day here she tried to make a fire in the oven to cook something, and she literally tried to build that fire. She made a pile of newspaper and popsicle sticks in the oven, and when they caught her, she was just about to strike a match to it.

I suggested my neighbors kill two birds with one stone and build her a hut in the backyard. That way she would be out of the house, and since you don’t get paid for taking in an exchange student, they could charge people 5 bucks to gawk at her and get their money back.

They refused my completely reasonable suggestion because “it would be mean,” but we’ll see if they change their mind the next time this idiot almost burns down their house trying to flame broil a Pop-Tart.