Australia is investigating the Catholic Church’s handling of sexual abuse, and one of its recently released findings was that seven percent of Australia’s Catholic priests have molested children over the past few decades.

Their inquiry has been very thorough, but I didn’t need a team of investigators to tell me the Catholic Church is rotten to its core. The priesthood’s betrayal of its most vulnerable followers is just the final nail in the Jesus.

If the church is going to last another 1,000 years it needs to resemble what it looked like for its first 1,000 years, and that means more liquor and whores and less chanting and snores.

And while we’re at it, priestly celibacy is stupid, and repression of sexuality only leads to other unhealthy behaviors. That’s why for the first 1,000 years of the church, priests were allowed to get married, and a happily married priesthood needs to be reinstated now.

Some core dogma is also wrong and needs to be fixed.

Jesus didn’t die for our sins. He was here to be a teacher, and the core message of charity and love was the real take-home. He was murdered because of envy and greed, and people need to stop putting a bullshit spin on it to justify his death.

Oddly enough, once when I painted my tongue with Wite-Out to see what would happen, a booming voice said Jesus was coming back, and if we killed him again, God would tell us to go fuck ourselves.

The voice also said the next Antichrist would have a yellow beard and a strong association with the color blue, but I couldn’t hear the rest on account of me vomiting from what I assume was some kind of Wite-Out poisoning.