Last week Adam Padilla posted a joke picture of a Fisher-Price Happy Hour Playset for toddlers on Instagram, and since a solid third of the U.S. population is mildly retarded, a significant number of people fell for the bit.
And even if you’re like me and have no moral problem with a toy like this, a toddler bar set makes no sense. Our commie country doesn’t allow you to bring kids into bars, so they have no frame of reference on how to actually use the set.
They don’t know about the dead-eyed bartenders who wear low-cut shirts so desperate losers will give them more tips. Hell, they don’t even know about the rambling bullshit stories of loves lost, challenges overcome and fat girls doing crazy fat girl things that make up all the best bar tales.
As I look back at my life, alcohol has played a large part in most of my milestones, but as I think about all the hangovers, close calls and regrets, I wish drug companies would get on board and actually make a recreational drug for the modern age.
They have no problem pouring billions into R&D for ailments like depression, anxiety and general malaise when a kick-ass pill that gets you high as fuck without addiction would be just as good.
And while I’m day-dreaming here, it should also have an antidote. You go to the bar, get hammered and before you leave, you take the antidote and then rationally and objectively decide if you’re still a brave little mountaineer who wants to try to summit Mount McFatchick.