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My home state of Virginia will allow me to buy a gun at Walmart, but for some unknown reason I can’t buy fireworks. Let me take that back, I can buy any fireworks deemed “safe and sane” which pretty much leaves me with gay little fountains and snakes.

First off, why in Christ’s name would anyone want to buy fireworks deemed safe and sane? The whole point of setting off fireworks is you want to see stuff fly high into the air and/or explode. If you remove the danger, you take away the fun.

Governments need to learn that they can’t draft enough laws to keep people safe from themselves. Do I regret clenching a fountain between my teeth like a cigar a few years ago and lighting it? Of course I do. I managed to burn both my mouth and my forehead. The point is I was injured by a completely legal firework because while it may be safe and sane, I’m not, and there’s nothing you politicians can do about that.

Lucky for us East Coasters, freedom still reigns in the great state of South Carolina. Their schools may consistently rank second to last in the nation, but their leaders are smart enough to realize that fireworks are only fun if there’s at least a chance you can put out your eye or blow off a finger.

The state is also kind enough to locate huge fireworks emporiums right over the border so I don’t have to drive one mile more than necessary to buy the awesome rockets and explosives my heart craves. God bless you South Carolina. Now how about you and me go blow some shit up.