frenchman If you’ve ever read a history book or watched the History Channel before it switched to its new aliens and redneck reality format, you probably noticed something weird about the world. Starting about 50 years ago, Western men became giant vaginas and lost all of their manly virtues.

A thousand years ago there were far fewer wusses than today, and those few who survived into adulthood became monks and priests. Their vow of celibacy prevented them from passing their defective genes to future generations, and real men like Vikings and Saracens hunted them to keep their numbers in check.

Then the great catastrophe of the 20th century occurred, and I’m not talking about the Holocaust because this actually happened.

Researchers from Adelaide’s School of Medical Sciences found that the chemicals in soy and plastics that have infiltrated our diets over the last half century mimic female sex hormones and these poisons are causing decreased sperm counts, male obesity and moral as well as physical impotence.

Their study found that in third-world countries, far more women than men are fat, but in the developed world gender obesity rates are nearly identical.

Contrary to what I’ve always thought, it seems women aren’t just fat because they sit on their asses all day doing nothing. Female sex hormones contribute to obesity as a kind of evolutionary strategy to see them through lean times.

Men did not evolve this way because there was nothing quite like gnawing hunger to make you leave your cave and hunt mammoths, dinosaurs or whatever other large animal happened to be nearby.

That’s why I only drink well water pumped through copper pipes and only eat animals I’ve either shot or hit with my car. And if you value you or your son’s masculinity, you’ll do the same.