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The FDA just approved the first at-home HIV test, but there’s a catch. It’s only 92% accurate. That means that roughly one in twelve people with the disease who take this test will be told they have a clean bill of health.

On the plus side, the new OraQuick test doesn’t require you to draw blood and send it off to a lab. You just have to swab your mouth, wait a very tense forty minutes, and it will tell you whether or not the disease is present in your saliva.

I’m married, so my days of getting laid are well behind me, but I think these rapid-result tests are a great idea. I just wish they would make one “Super Slut Test” that detects everything from the clap to gonorrhea. You already know you want to bare-back that fat chick you just met at happy hour, and this test would give you the peace of mind to do it.

Always the downer, the FDA has cautioned that STD tests are not a substitute for safe sex, but they’re completely missing the point. If you can be reasonably sure a bar hookup is disease free, there is absolutely no reason to wear a condom.

It’s not like you care if she gets pregnant. You already gave her a fake name and wove a tapestry of lies to get her to sleep with you, so even if you knock her up, how is she going to find you. I know from experience that my mom spent over ten years looking for the cowboy turned astronaut who put a bun in her oven. Amazingly, she never found him.