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I hated my father, and every Father’s Day I like to drive to the cemetery where he’s buried and piss on his grave. It’s become something of a little tradition for me, and since he’s planted out in the sticks, it’s also an excuse for a nice drive in the country. On the off-chance you don’t hate your dad with a white-hot passion; here are some gift ideas to brighten up his special day.

Some Goddamned Peace And Quiet – All dads want it, but we never seem to get it. Instead of making your dad sit in the mall parking lot for hours at a time just so he can get away from you, try leaving the house for the day. You should be gone when he wakes up, and you shouldn’t come home until well after he’s lapsed into a nice alcohol stupor.

Blowjob Coupons – This is a gift from mom, or possibly a hot stepdaughter who’s at least sixteen eighteen.

Liquor Store Gift Card – There’s nothing worse than getting a gift card to a restaurant because you know you’ll have to take your family there. That’s the beauty of liquor store gift cards. They’re a gift just for dad.

Custom Pistol Targets – A few years ago my wife made me some custom targets that featured the faces of people I hate. They were a big hit at the gun range, and I swear the Nancy Pelosi targets made me into a world-class shooter. They somehow focused me to the point where I was literally picking off the hairs on her stubbly chin. Truly amazing.

A Slave For A Day – Slavery is awesome, but illegal, so you’ll have to settle for the next best thing, a day laborer. You can get them from most Home Depot parking lots, and for $100 your dad gets a day’s worth of entertainment. I once had mine sit in a lawn chair in my yard for eight hours flicking off my neighbor’s house. Probably one of the best gifts I’ve ever received.

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