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University of Iowa student and fried-food enthusiast, Jordan Ramos, got into a sweaty huff a few months ago because bouncers at Iowa City’s Union Bar refused to let her dance on an elevated platform.

They reportedly claimed that she was obviously pregnant and not pretty enough to dance in the featured area, and she’s now on a fat little crusade to raise awareness against the epidemic of discrimination faced by obese people.

I wonder what she was even doing at a bar this early? Fat girls are supposed to magically appear about 30 minutes before closing. As people pair up and the herd dwindles, alcohol and desperation start to make even the biggest broads seem doable. That’s your window, tons of fun, and you need to stay in it.

And, it’s not like the bar said she couldn’t shake her muffin top to her strained heart’s content; they just said she had to stay on the structurally-reinforced dance floor with the other land-whales.

The elevated platform is like a billboard. It’s where you advertise your best products to lure people into the place. No one wants to see a pre-diabetic slab of pork shakin’ her cankles when they could see a needy 21-year-old hotty grinding for all the attention she never got from her dad.

As a final insult, Ms. Ramos tried to file a complaint with the Human Rights Commission, but they said they wouldn’t investigate because size discrimination isn’t illegal. There’s no word on how she coped with that disappointment, but I have a sneaking suspicion a fork and spoon were involved.