In the past, when someone annoyed me, I’d sometimes give them the gift of Mormon. Basically, you enter their name and address on Mormon.org, and quicker than you can say polygamous union, two identically dressed little automatons would come to their home and tell them the good news.

And since it’s easier to shake the clap than Mormon missionaries, this was a gift that kept giving.

But, as fun as that was, it was played out, and I couldn’t think of a suitable replacement. Until now.

Inspiration struck as I was watching the millionaire leftists at the SAG awards bitch about Trump’s immigration policy. Sure, they live behind walls in gated communities, and they could have used the millions they spent on that self-congratulatory shindig to help others, but I understand there’s no point being a limousine liberal without the limousine.

I also realize helping other people sucks, and I’d rather do just about anything other than a good deed, but I’ve never pretended otherwise. Unfortunately, some people aren’t as honest and have to be drug kicking and screaming into the light.

Only then can they admit they’re selfish little pieces of shit, just like me.

For example, do you know someone who went on Facebook in the last week and posted an excerpt from Emma Lazarus’ stupid poem and then opined about how we’ve turned our backs on the poor huddled masses yearning to breathe free?

Sure you do. And you could continue to let them slide with their bullshit, or you could take a page from the Codajoy playbook and sign them up with six different refugee aid organizations to house a family of migrants. I’m also looking for a cheap goat because I’ve always wanted to give a goat as a housewarming present, and this seems like a golden opportunity for that.

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