Cartman Anal Probe For reasons known only to the liberal pedophiles who run Hollywood, my beloved History channel has become the UFO and alien channel, and it now features an unending parade of fuck-ups and lunatics who share their abduction experiences.

All of the stories are vaguely similar, and most have blurry grey creatures snatching the unwitting victim, poking and prodding them before sticking something up their ass and returning them to their trailer park.

This person then rants and raves about their experiences for the next few decades or until they die of a combination of cirrhosis and hepatitis.

Like most sane people I don’t believe a word of these stupid delusions, and I attribute them to a combination of mental illness, Pabst Blue Ribbon and cheap pills, but I had an epiphany today. These illiterate hicks are right; they’re just misremembering something from their childhood.

I had to take my newest unwanted miracle to the pediatrician today, and as the nurse stripped her to check her vitals before sticking a thermometer up her ass to take her temperature, I tried to imagine things from her perspective.

Her vision isn’t clear, and all she can see are grainy grey figures grabbing her before a cold metal probe gets jammed up her rectum. Then, it’s all over and she’s magically back in her safe little car-seat heading home.

I’m guessing these alien abduction stories are nothing more than a vague recollection of these early childhood traumas.