CoolHandLuke Cheerleaders at Lincoln High in San Jose, California wanted to take a trip to a national competition next spring, and in order to raise funds they were going to hold a car wash.

Unfortunately, it seems a few buckets of soapy water presents a clear and present danger to our nation’s rivers because environmental officials from the San Jose Environmental Services Department banned the car wash for fear it would violate water discharge laws.

It’s one thing for these environmental Nazis to harass businesses, but now they’ve gone too far. Preventing under aged, scantily clad girls from rubbing up against my vehicle while wet and soapy is immoral and unethical, and I’m not going to stand for it.

If anything, local officials should go after those unscrupulous charity car washes that trick you with the old bait and switch move.

Just last summer I was happily driving along Rte. 3 in Stafford, Va when I saw one being held for the local girls’ soccer team. Four attractive young women in shorts and bikini tops held signs and beckoned customers, and since I love both jail-bait and a clean car; I was happy to oblige.

Then, a terrible thing happened. As I pulled into the parking lot I saw it wasn’t just hot soccer girls. The field hockey and softball teams were also there, and just like in real life the husky girls did all the work while the pretty ones just took my money.

I will say one thing though. Those sweaty slabs of beef weren’t much to look at, but they cleaned the shit out of my car. It really looked great when they were done.