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Two days a year I have to be a decent husband, and since Sunday was Mother’s Day, I let my wife pick a movie she wanted to see. After she made me agree to the standard promise that no matter how much I hated it, I couldn’t bitch and complain for at least a day, she revealed her choice of Dark Shadows. After keeping my word for a full 24 hours, let me now tell you how much I hated this absolutely awful goddamned movie.

I’m still not sure if it was a comedy, a drama or just a series of barely-related sketches. I saw it yesterday, and I’m already having trouble remembering it. And the parts I do recall seem so out of place, I almost wonder if I had a repressed acid flashback during the showing.

This movie felt exactly like one of those stupid movie spoofs, like Scary Movie or Meet The Spartans. It almost seemed like Tim burton decided to parody his own style, and a half-assed vampire movie was the best way to do it.

Johnny Depp seems like a pretty good guy. He doesn’t adopt African babies to get his name in the news, he doesn’t smack paparazzi, and when he does a good deed like leaving a waiter a $4,000 tip, he doesn’t publicize it. That’s why for his own good he needs to stop these Tim Burton collaborations. They’re old and tired, and if I have to sit through another one, I’m going to pull a Pee-wee Herman to get kicked out of the theatre.

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