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I’m a big man, and I require a ton of resources to stay alive. Back in the old days my size may have been a benefit to fight off predators or wild negros, but now it just seems superfluous. I can’t help but think we should be embracing genetic engineering and our focus should be on transforming our species into a race of super midgets.

Our current midgets are genetic minefields of inheritable problems, including joint and skeletal issues, breathing difficulties and ear infections. We need to shrink people down to three feet or less but remove all of the negative traits plaguing unengineered midgets.

Most people are probably going to balk at this suggestion, but I’m ahead of the curve. As our planet’s natural resources are depleted, this idea is going to start to make a lot more sense. According to the CDC, the average adult male now weighs over 190 pounds, and the average woman is 164.3 pounds. Our new engineered midgets will only be a third of that and will consume a third of the same resources.

Don’t believe for a second the red Chinese aren’t already working on developing an army of midget super soldiers. They’ve probably been working on this idea for a decade, and we need to close the midget gap. I just hope our next president has the foresight to commit to designing a prototype in the next ten years so we can go into full production by 2025.