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opium As I sat quietly in my basement with the lights off last night trying to hide from my wife and kids, I had a great idea for a television show. Someone should travel the world and sample all the native drugs.

In order to sneak it past the censors, I guess you’d have to make it educational, but that’s not so difficult. The host would just have to give a lesson on both the history of the drug and the people who created it before snorting, smoking, eating or drinking it.

I’d draw the line at anything that needs to be slammed because needles creep me out.

The more I think about it, the show might end up being pretty informative. For example, most people associate opium with the Far East, and I’m guessing nine out of ten would assume it originated in either India or China. Actually, the first people known to have used the drug were the Sumerians, who lived in modern-day Iraq.

China is the likely first place where cannabis was domesticated, amphetamines were first synthesized in Germany, but it was a Japanese chemist who actually figured out how to turn it into meth. Fascinating, right?

It could go on and on. You could have peyote with some Injuns, cocaine with a few Peruvians and maybe even smoke a little crack in the ghetto. If you really wanted to ramp up the fun, we could head back to Germany and smoke some PCP.

Odd thing about those Germans. They may be the least fun people on the planet, but they did come up with some great drugs.

The final episode would have to end in India. In addition to pioneering many ancient herbal hallucinogens, it was Indian chemists who first synthesized methaqualone, which is used to make the best drug of all time, quaaludes. They’re virtually impossible to find, but trust me, the extra work is worth the effort.

God I miss quaaludes.

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