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A few days ago there was an interesting article on the Special Operations Forces Report website. The author, Brandon Webb, was a former Navy SEAL, and he described a number of Navy programs that used dolphins and sea lions to perform specific underwater functions.

The one that interests me most is the “weaponized dolphin program.” Webb says an anonymous SEAL confirmed that it was in existence at least through the 1990s, but it has been officially denied by the Navy. The dolphins allegedly had needles strapped to their snouts that provided an injection of high pressure CO2 to kill any enemy divers that entered their kill zones.

I really want to believe this is true, but I have to assume it’s not. It’s not like the dolphins are only going to kill the enemy. They’ll stab anything that moves; that’s what they do. Dolphins have a cute and cuddly reputation, but they are actually sleek and stealthy ministers of death, and they kill without mercy, compassion or remorse.

According to scientists, dolphins are the only animal, other than man, that kills for fun. They often seek out baby porpoises and tear them to shreds just for kicks. They also capture females of their own species and gang-rape them, sometimes for months at a time. The females vocalize distress calls throughout their captivity, but under water, no one can hear you scream.

That’s why I only eat the Tuny brand of Mexican tuna. This company reportedly catches its tuna by netting dolphins to catch the tuna that swim beneath them. It’s about as far from dolphin safe as you can get, and that’s exactly how I like it.