Last year people speculated Madonna was having a nervous breakdown after her disastrous Australian concert tour. During one show she even dressed as a clown and pedaled out on the stage on a tricycle before falling off and babbling incoherently to the audience.

More recently she raised eyebrows with her statements against Donald Trump and her admission that she thought about blowing up the White House. Most people just wrote off her comments as sour grapes from another limousine liberal pouting because she didn’t get her way, but I think it’s more than that.

I think the old girl has dementia.

Thanks to the tireless work of make-up artists, morticians’ assistants and animatronics wizards, Madonna is able to shamble around on-stage and give the illusion of youth and vigor. But, it’s all an illusion.

Madonna is almost 60 years old, and here’s a short list of things younger than her: the Slurpee, child safety seats, weather satellites, eight track cassettes, racquetball and contraceptive birth control pills.

And the more I look into this, the more I think her claimed birthday is bullshit, and she might be much older.

Here is a clear depiction of her riding a pig with some dude on a 19th century Russian woodcut. That would put her at well over a hundred and a clear candidate for age-related cognitive problems.