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In the last week two different people have asked me to contribute my wife’s hard earned money to some stupid charity to fight whatever scourge is currently affecting that godforsaken land. If it isn’t starvation, it’s genocide, religious strife, pirates, AIDS, locusts or some other plague. I didn’t even realize pirates were still a thing, but it turns out buccaneering is still a valid career choice if you live in Somalia.

If you type “Why is Africa” in Google, one of the auto-complete options is “such a shithole.” That’s an excellent question. Why is Africa such a shithole? You have to wonder if the Africans have angered God in some way. Did they fail to make the appropriate animal sacrifices or neglect to bury a virgin for a good harvest?

I’m no expert on these things, but I think it’s clear they did. If they ever want to succeed, they need to offer some fatted buffalos and make sure the smoke wafts up to heaven so God can smell it. Otherwise, you’ve just wasted a perfectly good buffalo that you probably lost a few good men hunting.

If after making the appropriate sacrifices some enterprising African country wants to hire me, I think I can fix it in a few months. Since Africa is a lawless wasteland, we’ll need to play that to our advantage. There are plenty of very wealthy people who will pay big bucks to see things and do things that are forbidden in their stuffy homelands.

I’m talking about things like gladiator fights, unlimited drugs and deviant sex acts so depraved the Marquis de Sade himself would be proud to get his freak on. If you give me a free hand, there’s no limit to what we could accomplish.