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I keep a lot of loaded firearms hidden around the house in preparation for the coming war between men and machines. One of the hazards of this strategy is that you periodically have your kids pull guns on you. When this happens, don’t lose your cool. Your kids are far more likely to shoot you if you spook them.

Here are Mike Codajoy’s tips for disarming a toddler/child with a gun:

First off, that Chuck Norris nonsense is going to get you killed. If you think you can disarm your kid with a roundhouse kick, try it. But remember your kid is only a few feet tall, and look where that gun is pointed. That’s right, straight into your nuts. Still want to be a hero?

Kids are dumb, and you need to use that to your advantage. The old “what’s that behind you” ploy usually works. Try it, and pounce on that little bastard when s/he turns around.

Kids are afraid of the dark. If this happens at night, try to edge over to the light switch and turn it off. In the confusion run away. You’re a survivor, and you lived to fight another day.

Use psychology. If it’s a boy, and it usually is, tell him that you made your gay brother his guardian, and if he kills you, he’s going spend the rest of his childhood getting rub-downs from creepy uncle Chip.

Be prepared. In prison they have modules on the wall to disperse tear gas in the event of a riot. You need these as a fall-back strategy. Put them up, and arm them with a voice command. Pick a phrase you know you’ll never utter under any normal circumstances. Mine is “You look hot, honey. Let’s go dancing.”

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