, , , ,

Coffee Rage Matt Fury, Manager of the “Think Coffee” shop located at 14th Street and Eight Avenue in Manhattan said that ever since his location opened, it has been plagued by violent, chair and table throwing bums. He said he welcomes the homeless as part of the community, but this behavior has to stop.

Well there’s your problem, Matt. They’re not part of the community. If you see a homeless person walk into your shop, you should treat it the same way you’d treat a raccoon or other varmint that wandered in. You should grab the nearest broom and shoo it out into the street.

If that doesn’t work, prop the door open and leave a small piece of meat or cheese on the sidewalk. When it goes out to eat it, shut the door.

If the bums plaguing your establishment are too savvy or aggressive for these tried-and-true remedies, you may need a professional, and that’s where I can help.

Businesses throughout the Fredericksburg, VA region have paid for my hobo relocation services for years, and no matter how many of these filthy transients I have to throw into the nearest river; I promise I will cleanse your establishment of these winos or your money back.

And, don’t worry. If you’re a giant pussy who believes it’s wrong to hit the homeless or for me to chase them with my car while yelling anti-bum slurs, I have non-violent options, too.

I can give them fake gift certificates to restaurants across town or ply them with drugged hooch so they dream sweet little derelict dreams while I stuff them into cargo containers and ship them off to other lands. Or, I can just throw them in the river while they’re unconscious. We can do it either way.