People don’t want to give cash because they think it’s cold and impersonal so they try to create a fake veneer of thoughtfulness by buying gift cards, but they shouldn’t because gift cards suck and only retards buy them.

You’re basically still giving cash, but it’s a terrible kind of cash that can only be spent at one place and it doesn’t give you change.

The only time it’s appropriate to buy a gift card is if you want to wage subtle psychological war on someone.

For example, my sister-in-law and brother-in-law are separated but spent time together for the holidays, so when we exchanged presents I gave her a Victoria’s Secret card just so he could imagine her buying lingerie and dressing up for other men.

I originally bought him a liquor store gift card, but I was afraid he would get drunk and kill himself, and then my wife and I would have to adopt at least one of his mongoloid kids, so I kept that card and gave him a Panera Bread gift card I found in our junk drawer.

It seems hard to imagine that gift cards didn’t really exist before the mid-90s when Blockbuster invented them. Prior to that you might get gift certificates, but there was no little fake credit card with the name of the business on it.

And since anywhere from 10% to 20% of U.S. gift cards are never used, business love them because you’re basically giving them free money.

My only gift card exception is for Thanks to the two $25 cards I got at Christmas, I’m only $3.57 away from being able to anonymously buy that Fleshlight I’ve had my eye on.