I’m not cheap, but I hate to spend money on stuff I don’t care about. I have no problem buying premium beer or cigars, but I absolutely refuse to spend any more than I have to on things like toilet paper. It’s not like I’m going to reuse it. It has one quick job to do, and after that, it’s off to the sewage plant.

I have been using Charmin Basic for years, and it’s been a good run. It’s economical, there’s a lot of it, and it was soft, but not so soft that my ass would get spoiled and only accept the best.

Late last year Charmin decided to change the product, and they added something called “Duraflex.” I’m not sure what it is, but it’s terrible. I imagine if you looked at a new sheet under a microscope it would look like a field of tiny daggers interspersed with barb wire and pools of acid.

They should just rebrand this stuff as Charmin Gay and give it a tagline of “For those tough, calloused asses that really want to feel the burn.”