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south-park-priestsOn a fundamental level, I’ve never understood Christianity. The religion has almost a billion followers, but you guys have skipped to the end of the Bible, right? Jesus ended up tortured and nailed to a cross while a bunch of greasy Italians stripped him and gambled for his clothes.

That being said, like many people who were raised Catholic, I return to the Mother Church once a year to admire Jesus’ killer abs and enjoy the pomp and circumstance of an Easter Mass, and like most parents, I’m sure to keep my son good and close to me at all times.

The Catholic Church has been rocked by molestation scandals for decades because most normal men don’t want to take a lifetime vow of celibacy to become a priest. So, the church gets an abnormally large number of pedophile freaks.

This could all be avoided if the church allowed men to marry, and for the first thousand years of its existence, it did just that. It wasn’t until the Middle Ages that marriage was banned.

Plus, having a woman in your life has a lot of benefits. Married men tend to be healthier and liver longer lives, and if I had listened to my wife the other day and not tried to jump my neighbor’s dirt bike over a ramp we made while drunk, I wouldn’t be sitting here with sore ribs and what I assume are some sort of internal injuries.

For all their nagging and inability to do math, women are essential, and the Church needs to get with the goddamned program and accept it.